God In A Box

A fitting title, 'God in a box". There are many things in my life that I chose not to allow God to totally take control of. Be it my attitude on any given day, the situation I may be apart of, or the choices I make on a daily bases.

Many things have changed in my life the last couple of months. I live by myself now, I am finally going to seminary school, and I am more dependent on myself than ever before. I think this was God's plan all along. As if I could change any of it.

I always wanted to live by myself, but I guess I was too scared, and poor to actually do it with out some help. I had a couple of roommates lined up when Mel was engaged, because I knew that someone would have to take her place. Slowing but surely, I ended up living by myself though. Again, I say that this was God's plan all along, because everything fit right into place. Now, I'm not going to say that there wasn't some growing pains, but in the end.... I really like living by myself. Looking back on to the situation, I really believe that God knew that He really needed me to get to a place, where I was completely dependent on Him for me to grow into the person He wants me to be. I could only grow so much with a twin sister living with me. There would always be apart of me, no matter how much I loved and depended on God, that would always depend on Mel more than anyone else. So this was a good thing. I am living by myself and am just growing everyday into the person God wants me to be. I talk to God so much when I am here alone, I really feel His presence so much more now.

This has been such a learning process. I have learned so much about myself and about the type of person I am. I really am becoming myself now. I would never take this time in my life away. I want to grow as much as I can while I am single. I want to grow and learn in so many areas.

I think right now God is really working with me about my self-confidents. Again, with a twin sister always around, I could usually feel confident because I had another person beside me. But if you stop using a muscle (and in my case that was my individual self-confidents) you will end up loosing it. And so I guess that is what happened.

Most recently I have struggled with being myself around people. Often times, when I leave a group environment, I bash myself so bad because I said something stupid, weird, or inappropriate. I think that is one of the enemies tactics, so to isolate ourselves away from people, and make us feel like we are fighting a loosing battle. Realizing this social battle, I realized that I did not allow God to totally be involved in this situation. I knew that this was an attack by the enemy, but I wasn't doing anything to combat it.

I put God in a box, because I thought that this struggle was for just me to fight. Kind of stupid, but none the less, that is what I did. However, this struggle directly connects to why God wanted me to live by myself. In every situation He wants me to rely on Him, and to grow in the person He wants me to be. God gave me a personality, and a specific one at that. Being just myself is totally okay. It is okay if people like me, and it is okay if they want to hang out with me, and start conversations with me. Being self-conscious can and will destroy all of what God wants us to be. It can bind us so tight, that we forget who we were, and the qualities about ourselves that God has gifted us with. This can not stay with us, for we will never be who God intended us to be.

How do we fix this? Well first I think that we should learn who God is, and what He can do in us. This can be done through prayer and studying His word. Ephesians 1: 13 says "..... You put your faith in Christ and were given the promised Holy Spirit to show that you belong to God. The Spirit also makes us sure that we will be given what God has stored up for his people." Second, we should rebuke any negative thought that we know the Lord has no part in. It is one thing to have the Lord show us our wrong in certain situations, but it is another when we are trapped in a spiritual warfare with our enemy telling us lies. Third, never give up on one and two!!!!!! God will over power the negative!

To grow in God, is to learn what amazing things He has for us. I can not stress enough, how being self-conscious can destroy any possibility for us to realize what has been given to us by God. I do understand that we should all be humble and reverent to the fact that we all have faults. I am not saying that we shouldn't. I believe that God gives us those understanding to help us in communicating with people around us, and to understand what we need to work on personally and things like that. However, I believe that in most cases when we are self-conscious, it only hinders God's process in our hearts. Being self-conscious can also lead us down a path of fear, doubt, burden thoughts, and anxiety. This is never good when trying to be all that we can be in Christ Jesus.

In all of this being said, this is what I am going through right now. It isn't the biggest thing that is going on in my life right now. However, it is something that I can definitely get a hold of and work on. As a single girl, it is easy sometimes to struggle with self-confidents. But it doesn't need to be. God will not remain in a box, that He doesn't even fit in anyways. He is so much bigger than anything we could ever imagine. That alone gives me hope in all things.

Alone With God

So tonight is my first full night alone, without anyone here. My sister just got married a couple of days ago. I am so happy for her, and yet I am sad because the journey that we have shared all of our lives is now over. We will start a new relationship. One that I have been told from many, will be a better relationship. I am excited to start this new journey. For the first time in my life, I will be alone. I do not mean for that to sound sad. It isn't sad, but I have never really been alone before. For the record, I am not talking about being physically alone. I am talking about having to worry about only me. Providing for only me. Living on my own. It will be a change, but I am excited about the change.

I was at church on Sunday and I was a little teary eyed. This was one of the first times that I was not meeting anyone at church. It was just me, arriving alone, and not having anyone to save seats for. While the worship music was playing and I was praying to God, I could really feel a comfort from the Lord. I felt like something had ended or rather finalized and this was a new beginning God could have with just me. I am so excited about the time we will be spending together. I love that I can just have a conversation with the Lord in my living room out loud, unafraid of any interruptions of someone coming home. One of my friend told me "I really feel like the Lord wants to refine you through this and make you more and more dependent on Him through it." I really realized that tonight. I have always relied on my sister. She really is the one I relied on. Now is the time, to fully rely on God. I know it will be a process. But I can see that this will take me so much further in my spiritual walk with the Lord. I am just so excited about spending time with Him, and when I am alone, just feeling safe, because I know he only wants the best for me, because I am one of His children. God has a specific plan for my life. So many times, I will think that, and then I will just be overcome with doubt. But I will not allow that doubt to sit with me any longer. The Lord wants this time with me, because He has a specific plan for me, like He has for all of his children. 

I will not assume that He doesn't or that I am not that important. How could the God of the universe have a specific plan just for me???? Why? Because He is the GOD of the UNIVERSE!!!! That is why. And I will continue to repeat that, until all of the doubt of that goes away. 

I am drawing to a close of the Old Testament. I just read the book of Habakkuk. I really thought it was appropriate. The subtitle read "Trust During Chaos".  I love how Habakkuk is a prophet of the Lord, and yet sometimes he doubts and complains. When Habakkuk finished complaining for a moment the Lord answers and says in chapter 2 verse 3 "At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting it will happen. " I love that. I love that the Lord is just so true in every word that He says. When I read that verse I felt confident about my own future. I know what the Lord has told me about my future, but sometimes it is hard to actually accept the truth of it. Also, when I read that verse, I wonder why God doesn't plainly talk to us like He did with Habakkuk. It would be so easy to trust what is verbally told to us. But we must have faith, and that is what this next verse says, 4:"I, the Lord, refuse to accept anyone who is proud. Only those who live by faith are acceptable to me." Faith is what we all must accept, and live by. I hope during this time in my life, and as I grow deeper in the Lord that my faith just grows to unexplainable depths. That is my prayer. 

Good Times

So it has been quite awhile since I have "blogged". I have been so busy. I started work again, and my sisters' wedding date is getting closer and closer........busy times.  At the same time, I am determined to remember every moment, of the "wedding process" because it is a special time for a very special person. 

School has been busy. I have relaxed a lot more than last year. I have so much more responsibilities than last year, but I am focused and am trying not to become overwhelmed. I really have relied on God so much. If there is a situation that arises that I have no control over, 9 times out of 10, I have just released it. I am never going to be able to control everything that comes my way. So instead of getting upset and worried, I just give it to God and relax. 

I have had a lot more conversations with God lately. I enjoy just talking out loud and speaking my thoughts while I'm cleaning or driving, or just whenever I am alone. I feel at peace when I have that time with Him.

I am starting seminary FINALLY in January. I am really excited about it. I have felt that my life has been on hold up until now. I feel that I can not be complete in what God has for me until I start my seminary education. I have had no formal bible education, and I am so excited about learning and discovering new things. Recently I have felt "unworthy" enough, or that I need to work on more things before I can go. I know that it is just a lie and I know that no one is completely "ready" or whatever that means. No one will ever be perfect, and to wait until you are, would be a waste of a life. Because you will spend your life time waiting until you are "perfect". It is funny how when you are doing what the Lord has called you to do, doubts will constantly combat you. 

I know that things are going to try to steal my focus when I start seminary, and I am praying now that I will be strong enough to stay focused and really dedicate these next two years to my studies. This is so important to me, and I am just so happy and at peace with my decision to go. Whenever I think about starting school, I almost get giddy. I have been waiting so long for this. I had applied to seminary schools before and they had never work and now I know the reason why. This is the perfect place that I would have never guess a year ago that I would have been accepted to. God's timing is perfect, and amazing! I am completely blessed in so many areas! 

Now, if I can just rely on God's timing in everything in my life. I am slowly getting there! And as long as I am growing, I am doing good! From glory, to glory I am growing!

A New Season

As I was sitting on my porch Monday night before pre-planing started the next day, I felt closed in, I felt that I could not breath properly, my heart was starting to beat faster, I was about to have a anxiety attack. This isn't the first time that I have had the "beginning" stages of one of those, and in years past when I hadn't relied on the Word of God and Jesus himself, I would have thrown myself completely into one of those. But one thing I have learned is to stop it before it starts. Those attempts of attack from the devil always seem to come to me on the cuff of something new, or at a new season I have in life. I know how to identify it now and I knew I had to not close myself in and so I texted a friend "will you pray about tomorrow for me?". And afterward I prayed about the next school year that I was embarking on. I didn't need to go into detail with this friend about what was going on, but I knew I needed prayer about what I was starting the next day. Although I still "down-play" much of what is going on with myself during times like those I still have made great strides when talking to God about what is going on. And for now, that is enough for me. 

Afterwards, I felt a sense of excitement about the new school year. I wasn't even able to go to sleep that night hardly. The next day was fine, until my leg started to swell due to a spider bite or whatever it was, and I had to go to the doctor. And the following day was fine, until on my break I went to get a sweet tea and was pulled over (for the first time ever) for not wearing my seat-belt.... I know, I know, I should have put it on....Lesson learned. But with all of that being said, I still had a fabulous week. Yesterday was probably the best day. It was long, busy and stressful, but non the less a great day. I have many new responsibilities and position at the school. I am on numerous committees that the principle thought I should serve on, one of which being a leadership committee. This new year, will definitely be a career. I can no longer "down-play" the work that is to be done. I used to say, that I would never let my job take up more than 30% of my life. This year will be quite different. Hopefully this will be the last year of this. 

I have learned some amazing things this week. I started a new book called 'Captivating', that a friend told me about. It has really identified some really amazing things about a women's distinct relationship with God. It is different than any other relationship, and it definitely not the same as a man's relationship with God. I have learned to identify many of the devils lies towards women as a whole. One of my deepest fears is to be alone, and I have realized from this book, that it is a major fear for all women, and it is a lie. 

Its during those times when as a women we have fears, those fears that lie deep within us, that we tend to guard, hide, so no one can see it or sense that about of us, quite like my anxiety, that we must realize that those "deep and dark" things are not part of who we are, but part of the plan against us and speak up about it, we would find that we are not alone at all in those fears, every women has those, and we can do battle together. 

I am not alone, and never have I been alone. However, it was a definite truth in me and in my mind the whole time. One of the major things I am working on now, and will continue to work on, is defining God's voice, from the enemy's  voice. Reading the Word has really helped a lot, and praying through my day has really helped a lot, and yet still, I find myself affirming lies on a daily basis. Most of the time its not a distinct "that is true", its mostly just a feeling that I agree with and let it possess my day. That is not what God wants me to do, and it is definitely not how God wants any of us to live our lives. We will never get to the next place He wants us to go, if we are willing to agree with any thought that comes into our mind. 

I know how to do that in some very difficult situations, including the anxiety. I know that I have to speak up and talk, if only for a second, not letting myself draw inwards, and then focus on God. But I should focus on God during all of the negative thoughts I have, and not just focus on Him when I have physical attacks of my emotions. Many times we call out to God when we are crying or shaking, (physical attacks). But what about those times, when we think we are not important, or we are ugly, or we are not going to get married. Those are just as important too. Those big thoughts, lead to bigger things that will then cause us to break down. We must stop it at the on set. Because those are lies. With everything else, this is another lesson learned. Another fight that we must fight, for not just our own victory, but the victory of the Kingdom as well. 

Bounds and Bounds of Faith

Before this summer started I prayed nightly that I would grow in amazing ways towards God. I wanted to develop a closeness with Him that I had never achieved before. As the summer started, it was clear to me that God wanted me to grow further and further in my faith in Him. 

Faith, being the key word. Faith is something I always thought I had a strong handle on. I soon realized that I did not have the faith that God wanted me to. 

I had to open myself up in all areas, and have faith that God would lead and guide me in the right direction. It was hard at first. I had faith in God, but only in areas that I could not do anything about. Example, finding a job. I did all I could do to find the right school to work at. I went above and beyond the call of duty, even knocking on principles doors. But in the end, when it was clear that I could do no more, I finally surrender to having faith in God. I soon got a job after that. 

Faith is more than that. It is more than doing all we can humanly do, and then surrendering.  

Paul writes in Hebrews 11:6 "But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him." I want to please God! As I look at myself, created in God's image, I know that I do not like it when someone does not have faith in me. So why would God be any different? I believe too many times, we as human beings put God in this little box, and limit what He wants to do in our lives, simply because we do not have the faith to give everything to Him. 

I do not want to put God in a box and yet I do it over, and over again. I worry about many different things. I worry sometimes to the point that it is illogical. I have really become determined that the minute I start to worry is the minute, I mentally throw my hands in the air, and lift it up to God. He does not want me to worry, and I am breaking that habit daily. 

In looking at some of my bigger mistakes that I have made thus far in my life. I have realized that in many cases, I was not willing to have faith and wait on God, so I took control myself. 

I am trusting God in some big ways right now. I am going to continue working at the school that was really hard for me last year. It was and is an answered pray to have this job, and I have to keep reminding myself that God delivered me in some powerful ways last year and He will continue to guide me this year. He has me here for a reason, and I am willing to stay and do His work at this place.

I am also trusting God with seminary school. I want to go so bad. Again, I have done everything that I need to do in a responsible way to become accepted, however it has not happened yet. This is one of the ones that is hard for me to not try to control myself. Yet, every time I worry about this, I remember that God is in control and He knows when doors should open, when, and how fast. Until the seminary opportunity opens, I will wait.....with patients. 

There are so many more things that I am trusting God for. There are many things, that I would love to have work out and manifest a happy ending. But in all things we must focus on God and realize that His control and timing is so much better than ours ever can be. I am striving everyday for God to remain the center of every thing that I do, so that things will work out perfectly. They may not have worked out the way I would have wanted them to, or even prayed for. But looking back, those things that worked out in a different way, I was so happy and thankful that they did. My desires are not always in line with God's desire, but I believe that the closer we are to God, the closer our desires match His.  And with that, I will continue to strive to have bounds and bounds of faith in God. 

Pick Your Day

Every morning when I wake up, one of the most important decisions I make in the first five minutes is 'what coffee cup and I going to drink out of today?'. Picking the right coffee cup is an important decision. I can pick my usual white cup that holds enough, but I may have to refill more often, or I could pick one of the cups I bought on one of my many vacations. But usually I pick a really big coffee cup, so refill is minimal. Pouring with equal parts of powder cream and sugar, I am ready to start my day!!!

Picking the right coffee cup is important, but the very most important decision I make every morning, is whether I am going to have a good day, or a bad day. This is one of the most important decisions one can make everyday. Especially, when it is mid-week, and I am teaching and Friday can not come soon enough, I have to literally tell myself that today will be the best day of my life. I expect something good to happen that day. And usually what is good about that day, is nothing really, really bad happens!

I've been realizing more and more lately that the reason God allows us to wake up and see the sun for another day is because He wants to use us. God gives us another day, so that we may help further His kingdom. And if that is the case, I have to say its going to be a good day, because it will be. Being positive about the day ahead, makes it easier for God to use us in the day that He gave us. 

As I started to say that every morning, I realized that I would become expectant of something wonderful happening, and it made my day so much better. I would focus more on the positive things that happened that day, I would not be so stressed, and I would just enjoy my day. 

I started reading Daniel today. God really used him in some powerful ways. Daniel was put through some hard times as a result of a vain ruler, but he continued to believe God was the god that had a plan in place and was using him every part of the way. I've haven't read the whole book yet, and I'm quite sure that Daniel wasn't happy-go-lucky his entire life, but I do know that he allowed God to use him, and was willing to serve God everyday. 

My life inedibly is going to change drastically, when looking at the changes that are going to happen and me living on my own. I could have the mind set to focus on the negative. For example, more bills to pay, and realizing that I will have to do more things on my own. But I really haven't thought about those things much because I am excited about the new changes that will happen in my life, and the lives around me. I have made up my mind that this is going to be the best time in my life. I can't help but think that I have really trained my mind to become more reliant on God and have realized that the unknown of the next day or the next year is going to be a great one. I don't have to worry about my own ability, because my own ability isn't strong enough without God. 

So today will be a GREAT day and I'm excited about it!

The Journey Continues....

So the last couple of days I have been reading Hebrews. I have really enjoyed it. If I could, I would encourage everyone to sit down and read the entire book in one sitting, (only 13 chapters). This is a great book (scholars think it was written by Paul) that tells everyone to continue their earnest focus on God even when times get worse.

In my own life, in many different occasions I let myself down, and I also let God down. Things happen, sins happen, life happens. Usually, when I feel as if I am "done" with a certain sin, it rears its dirty face again for me to deal with it all over again. I feel discouraged, I feel that I not only let myself down but I also have let my friends down, and most importantly I have let God down.

But in Chapter 12 verse 7 of Hebrews, Paul says "Be patient when you are being corrected! This is how God treats his children." And in verse 12 "Now stand up straight! Stop your knees from shaking and walk a straight path. Then lame people will be healed, instead of getting worse"

Which means in my own life, that I should be thankful that God is correcting me, if He wasn't I would be in worse trouble. Because that would mean that I am not hearing from him. This also means that I need to stop dwelling on past mistakes, I should stand up straight and keep fighting the good fight.

If we let ourselves dwell on past mistakes (that are forgiven) we simple continue to circle the same mountain. We never move forward! How horrible is that? I would never want to circle the same mountain, it gets frustrating and confusing. But we must continue to look to God for our strength and just realize that it will be okay. God is steadily working in each of our lives, and we must continue to move forward! 

In many cases in my own life, I tend to put God in a box and limit His power to solve a problem I have. I feel that I have to feel bad for my sins for a couple of days, and then try to "make them up" so that I feel that I have redeemed myself. But God doesn't work like that. He is a god of grace and mercy. He wants to help us, He wants us to run to Him, and realize that we can not do it on our own. 

Paul also states in chapter 6 verse 1 "We must try to become mature and start thinking about more than just the basic things we were taught about Christ. We shouldn't meed to keep talking about why we ought to run from deeds that bring death and why we ought to have faith in God. And we shouldn't need to keep teaching about baptisms or about the laying on of hands or about people being raised from death and the future judgement. Let's grow up if God is willing." 

How powerful is that? Paul is plainly saying, that we must grow up and think above and beyond the little things that we were taught. Stop dwelling on past mistakes, move forward in Christ. I really, really needed to hear those words. I need to stop worrying about the small stuff and realize how HUGE God is, and He is completely and utterly in control. 

I remember when I was a child and my parents would tell me not to worry about things, how things were going to work out or something like that. And as a child I would listen and knew that my parents had never let me down before so why would they do it this time, it just wasn't an option. And every time, everything always worked out. Plans may have changed, but I had more fun with the new plans than the old. Doesn't say in the Bible that we should come to God as a child, or in a child like way? Yes it very much does. I think that is going to be my new prayer!

L.

Learning from Day to Day.....

Being able to take a break from my daily teaching responsibilities I am able to focus more earnestly on my daily pursuit of God's heart. Don't get me wrong I am pursuing His heart when I am teaching 5 days a week, however, having your entire weeks and months off, allows one to become more focused. 
I enjoy the mornings, the silence that is present allows the Glory of God to really be heard. It is nice to sit on my patio and listen to what is being said.
I was reading 1 Corinthians; Chapter 7 today, and I came across the part that Paul dedicates to the "unmarried people" of this world. I thought it was quite fitting for my current circumstances. I have to laugh really. I love Paul and I love his message. I really enjoy the part in which he states, "However, I think I am obeying God's spirit when I say she would be happier to stay single." I am sure Paul is right. I am sure that life in essence would be easier if one decided to stay single. But with the looming questions at family gatherings of "you'll be next" or "when are you going to get married", or my favorite "don't worry, it will happen, when its meant to happen." As I node, and slowly walk away, all I have thoughts of is " i can't wait for those questions to be over with!!!". 
I don't know if anyone would agree, but I feel empowered by Paul's words. I get that things would be easier and I love that Paul had the nerves to say it. From my history back ground I understand that things would be much easier economically for Paul to get married, he would definitely have more money to continue his missions and give to the church. On top of other gains from a marriage. But he wasn't worried about that.
What I love about Paul, is when reading his words in the New Testament, one can really gain a sense that his eyes are totally on God and nothing will change that. 
In my own circumstances, just for the record, I want to get married. But I gain so much from reading about God and his promises no matter what our circumstances are all that matters is Him. And right now as a single person I have so much time and energy that I can put towards God and learning more and more about his wonderful glory and mercy, that I'm just excited being a "single" person right now. Although I don't think I am single, I'm never really alone.